Aye Aye! Ahoy Hoy! The unstoppable talking panjandrum is back in town, celebrating 50 years afloat on the showbiz seas.

Dead men tell no tales – so might as well get 'em all told now! Two thundering hours guaranteed.

"An absolutely blistering night out!" – The Isle of Arran Shoemaker's Monthly.

"Indiscreet revelations told with swashbuckling verve!" – Some genius on Twitter.

As seen on BBC1, BBC2, BBC4, and virtually every radio station in the known world (even pirate ones). Positively final voyage. All aboard!